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Literature Text

panic welling in my chest,
rising in my throat, helium
threatening to send me far
away, to disappear in the blackness,
alone - you catch hold with your
strong hands, your strong faith,
pull me back

your heartbeat is my kite string,
keeping me from floating away
completely.
This has gone through several edits already but I still don't think it's saying quite what I want it to say. Any critique on form, theme, word choice, ANYTHING, would be much appreciated.

© Jessica McGale
© 2012 - 2024 beautyinreview
Comments9
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Locaphoenix's avatar
It sounds kind of awkward to me... like the flow, especially in the beginning. Tell me if you like this better:
The panic wells inside my chest,
Rising to my throat.
The helium thretens to send me far,
to disappear in blackness.
Alone, you catch hold with your
strong hands and faith--
You pull me back.
Your heartbeat is my kite string,
that's keeping me from floating away
completely.

It's only a suggestion but all the same I love the message you deliver:)