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Literature by Sammur-amat

poems inspiring me to write my own by cristinewakesuphappy


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Submitted on
April 30, 2012
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My father's hair is gray now.
I'm not sure if it was the elevator
or that realization that caused
the lurch in my belly.

There's a little plastic container
on the bathroom counter, housing
blue, yellow, beige pills, designed
to slow the body's inevitable breakdown.

There are lines around my father's eyes now -
I feel his loneliness echoed in my chest,
in the mirror as I prepare for bed.

A blurry, half-remembered moment,
smudged with time, of sitting on his strong
shoulders, laughing in the sun,
so sure that he would always be able
to hold me up to touch the sky.

We live this half-baked life now,
circling each other, moments intersecting,
brief, our real lives hours away, with our
other families, and his silver hair,
little pills, sad eyes make me terrified
that we missed our chance, started
too late, and I will never be
daddy's little girl again.
This one is extremely personal, and I have a few concerns with it. It has gone through a few iterations so far, so I thought I would se e what you fine people have to say about it. :)

Specific questions:
:bulletgreen: What do you get from this? What do you imagine the situation is?
:bulletgreen: Is there anything that is jarring, seems out of place, etc?
:bulletgreen: How is the word choice?

Jessica McGale
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:iconbetweenbirches:
betweenbirches Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
I am crying. My daddy has ALS; I understand this through and through.
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:iconbeautyinreview:
beautyinreview Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I am so sorry. :( :hug:
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:iconbetweenbirches:
betweenbirches Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
:hug:
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:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Hi there! Just a note to let you know I've featured this piece in my 2012 showcase of literature: [link] :D
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:iconbeautyinreview:
beautyinreview Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :)
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:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012   General Artist
Congratulations on the well-deserved DLD, lovely lady:heart:
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:iconbeautyinreview:
beautyinreview Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :)
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:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2012   General Artist
Surely, sweetie! :huggle:
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:iconsomnolent-droid:
Somnolent-Droid Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012
This is heart-breaking!

I think that the situation is that father and daughter somehow lost contact or became a bit distant from each other as they grew older. Then the daughter suddenly realises how frail and old her father has become. She feels hopeless and lost as she realises that time
is running out. She desperately wants to reconnect with her father, but she feels that the gulf between them has grown too wide.

I don't think anything seems out of place.

I think the word choice is great.

This is a really sad and moving piece.
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:iconbeautyinreview:
beautyinreview Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much for taking the time to read and comment. I appreciate it!

I am glad that it was moving for you. I really worried as I was writing it that it was too oblique, that it would only mean something to me. Which isn't bad, but I find that writing is better when it impacts other people as well. :)

:heart:
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