I have made a promise to myself that I am going to write every day for the next six months. A hefty promise, perhaps, but I need to learn to make room for the things that I love and need to do and not to be completely crippled by my own self-doubt. I know that this is something I am good at and I will never reach my full potential if I shy away from the possibility of failure. Failing gracefully is not something I was ever good at.

I have been very up and down lately. The first few days after Bryan left were fine. I was in a really good place. It's the home stretch, after all, and after this one separation we won't have to go through this again for a good long while. And then the loneliness set in once more and I became irritable and sarcastic, and my insomnia flared again. We had our biggest fight ever the other night and it was the worst. The absolute worst. I don't want to fight. Especially over stupid things that are usually me overreacting. I just want us to be together and happy, and fuck this stupid distance.

I bought Christmas presents today. Spent $100 at Chapters. I'll have to return the one purchase though. I have no one to give it to and unfortunately I just can't afford to keep it for myself.

I wish this month was over, so that everything would have been dealt with. I just don't feel up to it at the moment. I am in the library but clearly not studying. 3 exams in 2 days just seems rather daunting. I am tired just thinking about it.

Anyway. Back to the grind.
<3

It just won't go away. This hovering, choking darkness. I haven't been this depressed in a very long time and no one seems to care.

I'll just hang out alone, it's no big deal.

I know that's not fair, but I just feel like as soon as I need someone, everyone disappears. I wish Bryan was here. I wish he wasn't 5 hours away. It's so much easier to handle when he is beside me, but right now I just feel like I am drowning.

I never want to go more than a month without seeing you ever again. I can't take it. There were certain advantages but for the most part...for the most part, it was not worth it.

I love you and I hate every second that goes by that doesn't have you in it.

In other life domains, school is boring and I am not sure what to do about that. Changing faculties again just seems like a helluva lot of time and effort.

Time is dragging pretty badly. I should be studying, but I can't focus even a little. My brain is all over the place and I can't get it (or myself) to sit still.

I need a...target, or something. I don't know. I am still lost and I still don't know what to do.

You are leaving tomorrow and I can hardly stand it.

So I will busy myself with packing and cleaning and preparing for school, and I will pretend that it's not going to devastate me to watch you go.

You'll be back, though. That much I am sure of.

Your bed at 2 AM is my favorite place to be. I could lay there and listen to you play your guitar for the rest of my life and be perfectly content.

<3