ShopDreamUp AI ArtDreamUp
Deviation Actions
Literature Text
your hand slides down
the ridge of my spine,
fingers plucking each
vertebrae like the
strings of your guitar,
my body curling like
a treble clef.
a slow hidden melody
hums beneath our skin,
rising and falling with
each pianissimo sigh
your mouth whispering
quarter notes against
my clavicle as the
music rises to an
unbearable height,
conducted by your
skillful hands, breaking
over our heads in a
resounding coda
and i have always
been partial to
instrumental pieces.
the ridge of my spine,
fingers plucking each
vertebrae like the
strings of your guitar,
my body curling like
a treble clef.
a slow hidden melody
hums beneath our skin,
rising and falling with
each pianissimo sigh
your mouth whispering
quarter notes against
my clavicle as the
music rises to an
unbearable height,
conducted by your
skillful hands, breaking
over our heads in a
resounding coda
and i have always
been partial to
instrumental pieces.
Literature
Sundreams
i.
stillborn,
she had to be taught to
breathe.
she hasn't forgotten (any
thing) since,
though she wishes
she would.
ii.
train track forearms,
sickly eyes of a
run-a-way.
fourty-watt smile
just enough to flood his
corner of
this room.
iii.
his naked
palms on her sapling
b o n e s.
swollen
stomach:
she's
an-o-rex-ic.
Literature
Music
I see music in colors, like a heart-rate graph, oranges and blues and deep purple fluidly flowing up and down and along the parameters of sound. High; sweet flutes, silver and gold twisting gleamingly through the air like DNA. Low; baritone drumming, a rap-tap-tap of dashes dancing across the page. Liquid glass-- liquid fire, it's the soulful thrumming of an organ playing in the church... It's like the notes could lift you up, up, up... Straight into sunlight. Except you don't fall, not like Icarus. You dance.
I see music in colors, and yet I can't ever draw it right, can't write it right. It's the color of safety and home, it's the color of
Literature
Undelivered
or:
how to write to peter
i. sprinkle pixie dust on
one feather of a whisper
ii. blow a kiss to nudge
the dictations of your heart
from a fourth-story windowsill
iii. crawl (sloth-toed) onto the roof
& stretch your third eye
to watch your letter cross state lines
iv. shiver restlessly until
v. suddenly!
vi. you feel your feather of a whisper
nestle in his concave
mailbox:
the space where his left collarbone meets his neck strings
"if i were you i would want me back"
Suggested Collections
Featured in Groups
Third edit but I'm still not entirely pleased with it. I particularly don't like the use of the word pianissimo.
All comments, critiques and feedback welcome and appreciated!
- Are the images fresh and interesting or cliche?
- Does the music metaphor work or does it feel forced?
© Jessica McGale
All comments, critiques and feedback welcome and appreciated!
- Are the images fresh and interesting or cliche?
- Does the music metaphor work or does it feel forced?
© Jessica McGale
© 2011 - 2024 beautyinreview
Comments40
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
Overall Vision Originality Technique ImpactI'd start off my saying I really like extended metaphors about music- they can be gorgeous, really. So <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/t/t…" width="15" height="15" alt="
" title="Thumbs Up"/> on pulling it off well. General comments first:
The imagery(s) used here are fresh, but not every original- I've seen quite some similar poems, especially those that potray the speaker as a musical instrument. However, other than that you're rather original, so no worries. I particulaly like the lover-as-various idea as most of them use lover-as-the-musician.
I also like it that the whole poem is only one event- your way of writing it makes it more vivid. The vocabulary used is well-chosen- there aren't too many musical terms to trip up the reader. It made me smile- you've captured an intimate moment nicely.
Also, I like your structure of alternating short and long stanzas- keeps things interesting.
You might want to work on word choice, but other than that, you're mostly great (:
In-Depth
First stanza:
I adore this stanza most!
There's a good choice of an opening line- it immediately paints part of a picture and invites the viewer to read on.
I like how you've chose your line breaks- they create a good flow. However, you might want to think about where you'd like emphasis to be- for example, instead of 'my body curling like / a treble clef', you could use 'my body / curling like a treble clef'. That places the focus on the 'treble clef' part, instead of 'my body'. Even though that would make the lines have different lengths, I don't think it would affect much, especially since this is free verse.
Do you think it be better if you used -ing words instead? Eg. 'your hand's sliding down...' It can make the poem more lively.
'plucking' seems to be like an odd choice of word, since it reminds me of 'pinching'... Maybe you'd like to choose a more gentle word, like 'caressing'? I realise that this is because the speaker's being compared to a guitar, but the 'strings of your guitar' part already suggests that what he/she's doing to your spine is like what he/she does to guitar strings.
The last two lines have a great piece of imagery (: However, maybe you could use 'your' instead of 'a' treble clef, like you did with 'your guitar'. Also, is 'curling' needed?
Second Stanza:
I like how you haven't included specifics here, unlike the first stanza, to keep things varied.
Should 'slow hidden' be 'slow, hidden' or 'slowly hidden'? Also, 'our' is uneeded as it is already implied.
'beneath the skin' is a part-cliche, but it doesn't get annoying here, so it's okay. Although I'd still recommend using an alternative- maybe something musical too? (I don't know enough about music to give suggestions here.)
'rising and falling' reminds me of both the melody rising and falling and their bodies rising and falling- was that your intention? It's a good idea. 'pianissimo' is an interesting word- may I ask why you didn't really like it?
Does the melody refer to the sighs? If so, you could remove some parts of this stanza- maybe to
our pianissimo melody-
rising, falling voices;
beneath our skin it hums,
slow and hidden.
(My examples are definitely not perfect; they're only examples.) Also, is 'hidden' needed, since 'beneath our skin' suggests that it's hidden?
'your mouth' can definitely be changed to 'you', since... mouths whisper, unless you're planning to change 'your mouth whispering' to a metaphor. Whispers can also be cliche- a warning.
I don't really like the use of the word 'music' here- it seems too general. Maybe you don't even need to mention it; you could use words that suggest a climax, like 'crescendo'.
Also, since this piece focuses on musical terms, try not to include other technical terms like 'clavicle'. 'breaking' seems to be somehow too harsh- 'cascading', maybe?
I'm not sure if 'hands' is a good choice here- conductors don't use their hands directly? 'skillful' can also be more specific; 'our heads' can simply be 'us'.
This stanza isn't a complete sentence- try removing all the line breaks to check if there are structure/etc. errors. It helps a lot!
Last stanza:
I really like the use of 'and' here- I do that too (: Why instrumental- weren't there mentions of sighs earlier on?
The line breaks here might need some editing- maybe 'and I have always been/ partial to/ instrumental pieces' or you can turn it into only two lines.
It's a good ending, yes, but could be a little confusing.
--
Sorry for the length!
--
First critique, so I chose a piece that I liked. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/x/x…" width="15" height="15" alt="
" title="XD"/> Would anyone like to critique my critique?